Sunday, June 1, 2014

Mourning!

And there it is    that tight squeeze in my chest, that missing breath when I first wake up, that sudden rush of adrenaline making my ears ring, igniting my disoriented brain with the new reality: My father is dead.

What do I do now? How do I get out of bed? Do I go about my day’s chores the way I always have? How could I with the weight of a planet pushing down on me, sinking my head deeper into my pillow?

Go back to sleep.
Go back to dreaming nonsense.
Go back to being unaware.

     Such is God’s Will.

Those words get me up. Words that move my feet and make me brush my teeth and put on the striped t-shirt he liked. I empty the dishwasher and clang dishes too loud, and then I pause. He doesn’t ask me to take it easy, he doesn’t complain about the noise. He doesn’t say anything anymore.

     Be strong.

Two more words carry me through my morning coffee. I use his favorite mug    the one with the Native American scene painted in bright colors, the one that will probably chip or break someday because nothing lasts forever. And where would I be then? Would I still be disjointed like this? Which mug would I use?

I don’t want to be strong, baba. I don’t want to hold it together for everyone’s sake. I want to be weak. I want to collapse and cry and scream and have to take pills to feel numb. I want this gut-wrenching feeling to pass, to go away, to leave me be.

I want to hang on to you, rub your shirt between my fingers like I used to do as a child to fall asleep. I want you to hug me back and say you would squeeze my bones out if I held on any tighter. I want to nag you to check your sugar level before you go to bed every night. 

Okay, make it one more night. Just one!

    Ask for mercy on his soul.

When did I ever stop? When every action, every thought, every breath I took was shaped by his strangely beautiful soul? Why ask God now? God is all knowing, and He must know how I feel. He is watching, listening, always.

I am a product of my father’s actions. I am an extension of his existence. I have a purpose and a road to travel. My father set the course, gave me the tools, and believed in my abilities. He loved me. He loves me still. 

Am I worth it, baba?

12 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Lilas. It's wonderful that you were so close to your father. You have many good memories to keep from now on. Breathe. Things become less painful with time.

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    1. Thank you for your warmth, rlnolen.

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  2. Aww, Lilas!! This is such a powerful piece! I'm still in tears. I hear that time and lots of tears will make the pain a bit easier.

    You were a great daughter to him and he always spoke of you with so much pride. One in particular, "My daughter Lilas, The Author"..I heard it more than once :) Cherish his memories and celebrate his life and achievements.

    Rest In Peace, Dr. Hassan Taha.

    Love you my friend and stay strong and proud! That's what he would want you to be :)

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    1. Manal, I appreciate it! He loved you, you know. Very much.

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  3. yes, you are worth it. I am so sorry about the death of your father.

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    1. Janice, thank you. I hope you are right!

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  4. دبحتيني
    سحر

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  5. Dear Lilas, I haven't lost a parent, but I have experienced loss. The pain is tremendous. You question every mundane task. You question the worth of every move and decision. It gets easier with time, but the missing doesn't go away. I don't think it should. "Ask mercy", "God's will", "Be strong" lost all meaning to me. You live, you remember, and then you celebrate your life and his. That's when you know it is all ok. Are you worth it? How can you not be? You're an extension of him as much as him of u now.
    So "be strong", "it's God's will", and I ask mercy for all of your souls.

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    1. Dima, I'm taking everything in. Thank you for your support. I hope you never have to lose someone dear. But who am I fooling? It's part of life's cycle, knowing that doesn't make the pain any less, I guess.

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  6. Yes you are , god bless his soul ...my prayers for him ...convince yourself that you are sad only because your not gonna see him anymore in your life BUT ! happy because he moved to a better place, peaceful,safe and much more beautiful which is heaven ! he relaxed , and don't worry the brothers up is getting back together :) ..alla yerhamak ya ammo Hassan ..stay strong dear ...love xoxo

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    1. Thanks Noor, I hope the brothers and sisters are having a party up there :)

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